Its very hard for me to put my emotions into words ever since I suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury. I don’t think its lack of trying, it looks as if I were an outsider looking at my body from the outside. Its very hard to explain how to describe this because I feel that if I don’t explain it right then I can truly put into words of how I am feeling.
It’s weird, as I find myself regaining more of my intelligence. It’s a slow an every repeating process but then again, everything in life seems to go that way. I just need to learn some patience. I have never been great at patience; well actually I sucked at it. I couldn’t do anything without being anxious or impatient of the outcome. It didn’t matter if I had done that action a hundred times before. But I think the thrill of fading out of my own world helped a lot. Its as if I were running at super speed and could only smoke pot, drink or do drugs to unwind. I honestly feel awful for everything that I have done but not I am starting over fresh. I always wished that I could get a restart on my life. Well having a Traumatic Brain Injury isn’t the best way to gain a better understanding on my own life. I know that I have the innate ability to write. But its as if I were reaching out as far as I could but could only brush the edges of my fingertips on the idea on getting my emotional stability back in my own control. I mean that in the sense that things could be worse. If I focus on the disappointments that I have had then I will get nowhere. I am still new to this whole idea of Traumatic Brain Injury so I know that I will have bad day and now I need to plan on what I will do in those times. Before I used to get high but I have to learn new coping mechanisms that are healthy and not self-destructive. So I have to look at these next few months in a more realistic way. I have to stop lying to myself that I will be out on my on and living in NYC. Yes that is still a possibility but i’m on 26. So I need to just look at tomorrow. Or not even tomorrow but I just need to think about the next hour. Then it will be thinking about 3 hours ahead. Small steps!